Before you read any further, I would like to clarify a few things. What you're about to read does not excuse any behaviour that I have shown over the past year This isn't a sob story or something that I'm doing for attention It's going to have some very personal moments, which again is not for attention, it's simply contextual Now that's sorted out, I guess it's time to actually talk about this. ------------------------------------------- As you all know, my name is Harvey. I'm 18 years old and I live in the UK. For the past year and five months, I have been apart of this community. For the most part, it has been great and I've met some rather good people. Unfortunately, like every other thing in life, there have been bad times. Most of these bad times have been the after effect of some personal problems that I've had to deal with, causing me to take things out on other people e.g @maxben34. I'm sure I've had many arguments with multiple people, and I regret it all. I think it's time to learn a bit more about me. I mean, I trust you lot so what have I got to lose? I can't remember a lot of my life, due to my childhood being a complete shitstorm. The only bits I can remember are the bad parts, like being hit at Christmas for accidentally spoiling a present or the time my Step-Dad had a massive fight with my Dad. Though that was the day I found out about video games, so woo for massive fights amirite? Okay, inappropriate. Whoops. I used to be an angry little shit because of this thing. Ages 5-10 were when I was a rage-induced monster who couldn't handle his anger because at home, any sign of anger would be met with being hit. It wasn't a fun experience and I'd never wish it upon anyone. This affected my behaviour in school and with friends, meaning I pretty much was failing and didn't have any friends. I know that I was to blame for part of that as well, but what can you do at that age? On the 21st of August 2009, something happened that changed my life forever. There was a guy smashing our caravan (at the time we lived in a house, but my mother was planning on moving us to the woods... crazy bitch), which started to alarm my mother and step-dad (now ex). He, apparently, was making lunch at the time, so he decided to walk up to the front door with a rather big knife in his hand. He opened the door. The man jumped in, pushing the step-dad back then went back out. SD ran out after him and came back with the knife covered in blood. The man died from a stab wound to the heart. The police came, he was arrested, I had to go live with my Dad. It was a traumatic experience, but it changed me for the better. I was out of the hellhole and I'm now somewhere where I am loved. I'm no longer hit. I can just be who I am and express emotion when I need to. I got sidetracked, I apologise. This is just contextual to what the situation has been in the last year. I'll get to that right now. All of the abuse as a child obviously left me a bit fucked up. I would crush my emotions into little boxes but they could explode at any minute, but I would never show anyone the explosion. The explosion would just be contained, making it worse. It got to a point where, after having another horrible encounter with police which I'm not going to talk about, I was contemplating something that I obviously would have regretted, which is also something that is frowned upon. I was actually going to kill myself during 2015 because I couldn't handle it. Fortunately, I backed out of it a week before I planned to do it. I didn't really want to die, I was just suffering because of others. Which leads to why my behaviour has been absolutely horrible during this year. I had to get everything in my life sorted. I had to fix myself from the ground up, all the while hating myself and wanting to give up all the time. There were times where I would just slip deeper and deeper into depression, which made me lose my shit. I used the Master Prestige update as a pretty poor excuse to take out all of my anger and hate on members of this community, including Ben. I would start drama and conflict just to make myself feel better, which was a rather selfish act and I would take it all back if I could. I really would. Over the past few months, you may have noticed that my attitude has changed. I've been trying to keep the peace between people and my toxic posts have gone down by about 98%. This is because I'm finally confronting some of my oldest issues, which are mostly about my mother. It's making me think clearer and even be a tiny bit optimistic for the future, as I know I can have a life. I can do whatever I want to do and I can't let anyone hold me back. I like my life, even if I say I don't. ------------------------------------------- If you've made it this far and read everything I've written, congratulations. You know me a bit better than you did before. All in all, I'd like to apologise to everyone that I've ever insulted/started arguments with/harassed. I want to start again and try and earn some respect back in this community. If you feel that this was unnecessary, I completely understand your point of view. I look like an attention seeking asshole. That's not who I am though, I wouldn't use this sorta shit to get sympathy points. I was an ass to everyone in this community and I'm surprised I wasn't banned, even though I had THREE final warnings. Bloody hell. Hope you're all having a good day/night. Don't give up if you're not, everything is okay in the end. p.s There are a lot more incidents that have shaped who I am, but I don't want to waste anymore of your time.