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A Fresh Start - The Harvey Story (Updated)

Discussion in 'Offtopic' started by Harvey, Dec 11, 2016.

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  1. Harvey

    Harvey Well-Known Member

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    Before you read any further, I would like to clarify a few things.

    1. What you're about to read does not excuse any behaviour that I have shown over the past year
    2. This isn't a sob story or something that I'm doing for attention
    3. It's going to have some very personal moments, which again is not for attention, it's simply contextual
    Now that's sorted out, I guess it's time to actually talk about this.

    -------------------------------------------
    As you all know, my name is Harvey. I'm 18 years old and I live in the UK. For the past year and five months, I have been apart of this community. For the most part, it has been great and I've met some rather good people. Unfortunately, like every other thing in life, there have been bad times. Most of these bad times have been the after effect of some personal problems that I've had to deal with, causing me to take things out on other people e.g @maxben34. I'm sure I've had many arguments with multiple people, and I regret it all.

    I think it's time to learn a bit more about me. I mean, I trust you lot so what have I got to lose?

    I can't remember a lot of my life, due to my childhood being a complete shitstorm. The only bits I can remember are the bad parts, like being hit at Christmas for accidentally spoiling a present or the time my Step-Dad had a massive fight with my Dad. Though that was the day I found out about video games, so woo for massive fights amirite? Okay, inappropriate. Whoops.

    I used to be an angry little shit because of this thing. Ages 5-10 were when I was a rage-induced monster who couldn't handle his anger because at home, any sign of anger would be met with being hit. It wasn't a fun experience and I'd never wish it upon anyone. This affected my behaviour in school and with friends, meaning I pretty much was failing and didn't have any friends. I know that I was to blame for part of that as well, but what can you do at that age?

    On the 21st of August 2009, something happened that changed my life forever. There was a guy smashing our caravan (at the time we lived in a house, but my mother was planning on moving us to the woods... crazy bitch), which started to alarm my mother and step-dad (now ex). He, apparently, was making lunch at the time, so he decided to walk up to the front door with a rather big knife in his hand. He opened the door.

    The man jumped in, pushing the step-dad back then went back out. SD ran out after him and came back with the knife covered in blood. The man died from a stab wound to the heart.

    The police came, he was arrested, I had to go live with my Dad. It was a traumatic experience, but it changed me for the better. I was out of the hellhole and I'm now somewhere where I am loved. I'm no longer hit. I can just be who I am and express emotion when I need to.

    I got sidetracked, I apologise. This is just contextual to what the situation has been in the last year. I'll get to that right now.

    All of the abuse as a child obviously left me a bit fucked up. I would crush my emotions into little boxes but they could explode at any minute, but I would never show anyone the explosion. The explosion would just be contained, making it worse. It got to a point where, after having another horrible encounter with police which I'm not going to talk about, I was contemplating something that I obviously would have regretted, which is also something that is frowned upon.

    I was actually going to kill myself during 2015 because I couldn't handle it. Fortunately, I backed out of it a week before I planned to do it. I didn't really want to die, I was just suffering because of others. Which leads to why my behaviour has been absolutely horrible during this year.

    I had to get everything in my life sorted. I had to fix myself from the ground up, all the while hating myself and wanting to give up all the time. There were times where I would just slip deeper and deeper into depression, which made me lose my shit. I used the Master Prestige update as a pretty poor excuse to take out all of my anger and hate on members of this community, including Ben. I would start drama and conflict just to make myself feel better, which was a rather selfish act and I would take it all back if I could. I really would.

    Over the past few months, you may have noticed that my attitude has changed. I've been trying to keep the peace between people and my toxic posts have gone down by about 98%. This is because I'm finally confronting some of my oldest issues, which are mostly about my mother. It's making me think clearer and even be a tiny bit optimistic for the future, as I know I can have a life. I can do whatever I want to do and I can't let anyone hold me back. I like my life, even if I say I don't.

    -------------------------------------------

    If you've made it this far and read everything I've written, congratulations. You know me a bit better than you did before.

    All in all, I'd like to apologise to everyone that I've ever insulted/started arguments with/harassed. I want to start again and try and earn some respect back in this community.

    If you feel that this was unnecessary, I completely understand your point of view. I look like an attention seeking asshole. That's not who I am though, I wouldn't use this sorta shit to get sympathy points. I was an ass to everyone in this community and I'm surprised I wasn't banned, even though I had THREE final warnings. Bloody hell.

    Hope you're all having a good day/night. Don't give up if you're not, everything is okay in the end.

    p.s
    There are a lot more incidents that have shaped who I am, but I don't want to waste anymore of your time.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2016
  2. GrimIsHere

    GrimIsHere Member

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    I am happy for you to move on and be more of a happier and positive person in life. I know what you mean with your ups and downs and suicidal thoughts/plans. I remember you being rude to me a lot when I was on, TeamBlack or GrimIsHere, yet I forgive you and hope you have a great life! :)
     
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  3. maxben34

    maxben34 Owner Owner Developer

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    There's a reason for this. I realized you're a good person but you were struggling with stuff. Banning you would be giving up on you and removing you from a community where you found some sort of peace, even if you misbehaved at times. Fortunately things have gotten better. I apologize for the shitstorm that your life was but everything will get better as it always does. Work hard and stay motivated and things will work out!
     
    mocharaven, Sundvallo, Jordan and 6 others like this.
  4. Harvey

    Harvey Well-Known Member

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    I appreciate your kind words, even though I was an absolute asshat towards you. Those times are long gone thankfully!

    I apologise for being rude, I don't deserve the forgiveness but thank you nonetheless
     
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  5. Rod337

    Rod337 Well-Known Member

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    I asked for an interpretive dance, not a thread
    jk ily <3
    Sorry that your life sucked total ass. You've never been rude to me though! Hope things turn out for the better and glad to hear you've been sorting things out!
     
  6. GrimIsHere

    GrimIsHere Member

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    Every1 deserves forgiveness no matter what they done bud :) I don't hold grudges and no1 should.
     
  7. Keldricc

    Keldricc Well-Known Member

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    Minus the step-dad and the Caravan part, this is a really relatable story. I was never one for kind words, but I'm glad you're getting better :>
     
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  8. Vickebyggare

    Vickebyggare Well-Known Member

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    No child should have to go through that ever. But you did it, and now you are getting better (which I've noticed alot) please don't quit now. Me is not a person to give you life advices first because it's your life and second because I have not lived one yet.

    "It ain't about how hard Ya hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.

    How much you can take and keep moving forward that's how winning is done.
    - Rocky Balboa"
     
  9. Bilbocable

    Bilbocable ☃ Hobbit Mod ☃ Going On An Adventure ☃ Moderator

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    No Tl;dr? You brutal man.
     
  10. Harvey

    Harvey Well-Known Member

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    I thought about it, then was like 'Naw i can't word this in any other way xD
    Thanks all of you, you're great people. I legit almost did an interpretive dance video, but I got lazy xD

    Hopefully I can fully earn the forgiveness one day <3
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2016
  11. Jordan

    Jordan Well-Known Member

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    Damn, this just proves how close friends we are man because I already knew all of that - even the stuff you didn't say heh :) Anyway, having a shit past can give you first hand experience of bad things that can happen, and can ultimately make you care for some others who are experiencing those same things - it goes to show how supportive you can be tbh (we both know what I'm talking about - the many deep discussions we've had which we've both helped one another through) and you've really, really helped me a lot with personal problems and your advice and the couple of messages you sent me after that one suicidal night just made life that one bit more worth living :)
    You've never been an asshole to me even though I can be extremely annoying at times, and I gotta thank you for that as well. We've been friends for what? A year and half now? (thinking about that - damn it's been a while!) and it's been great knowing you through it all my d00d. Ly man no matter what <3
     
  12. Harvey

    Harvey Well-Known Member

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    I agree, you are extremely annoying. But who can stay mad at you? ;p Ly2 bud, gotta talk more though! Not about bad things though ;p <3
     
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  13. Harvey

    Harvey Well-Known Member

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    I’m sorry for necro-posting, but I need advice and this is the best way to get it without having to explain everything all over again. I’m also going to add a couple more things to what’s happened in my life because I left out parts in the original post that I’m semi-comfortable talking about now, and I’d rather be an open book about most things.

    In my original post, I said that in 2015 I was going to kill myself. Well the reason for that was because during that year, my girlfriend at the time had been sending inappropriate pictures to someone I knew for money. I knew about it, but because I had never had a girlfriend before, I just wanted to be supportive so I didn’t stop her. Fucking idiot. She told one of her friends about it all because she was starting to hate herself and didn’t want to talk to me about it for some reason. The guy she told had a crush on her and is autistic (literally) so what does he do? Tells the school I’m pimping my girlfriend out. They call the police and they come to my house, her house and the guy paying money to hers house. My reputation was ruined and I was absolutely terrified that I was going to take the fall, but luckily the bloke who was paying her threatened us to tell a certain version of the story so we obviously told the opposite and no one got in any serious trouble as we were all 16+ (the legal consent age in the UK). It left me all kinds of fucked up because now everyone at school and my family thought I was a cunt for a while. Some old friends hate me now. But that’s life.

    Also in the same year, I went to my mums house and my ex-step-Dad tried to beat the shit out of me for trying to stand up for my mum so that was fun.

    And now the last part. My mother has been making out that my dad is an evil monster to my little sister and brother, both of whom live with her. It’s really made me hate her. But it’s destroyed my relationship with my sister and brother. They’re just so mean towards him if I’m with them and my sister has been getting super angry and insulting at me because I haven’t felt comfortable talking to her. I just... I hate family.

    So the advice I need... well... I’m trying to get my life sorted so I can be a functioning adult and earn money so I can be independent. But I’m having a lot of trouble breaking free from these experiences that drag me down all the time. Does anyone have any kind of information that I could use to maybe make peace with this shit? (I’m not working shit out with my family though that’s a lost cause)

    I’m really sorry if this seems like attention seeking, but a profile post wasn’t enough for this. And sorry for necroposting.

    Edit: changed the title
     
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  14. baseballaholic22

    baseballaholic22 The Squeaker Mod Moderator

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    Damn dude I never knew any of this. Of course I wasn’t an active member of the community during any of this but from what I know you are a great person. You are funny, creative, and you are very likable. Of course I’m not an adult so I can’t speak from experience but just try to start off with a job from whatever u can get. Then try to work your towards a job you like doing or something you are passionate about. As you definitely know life is as smooth as a thorn bush, but if you can live through your previous events you can accomplish anything. Always remember, if you ever just wanna talk you have a community on teamspeak that you are always welcomed in. I wish you the best of luck with your ambitions in life.
    - Your Tanking Buddy, Baseball
     
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  15. lordslaughter20

    lordslaughter20 Well-Known Member

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    I agree with what baseball said, set goals for yourself that motivate you to live and aspire you to reach your goals. Even if it is just eating a really great sandwich start with that and work onwards. However, this is the one moral I always give to my friends to live by remember that no matter how angry you are with someone or something, it is never worth ruining your life because someone crossed you.
     
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  16. maxben34

    maxben34 Owner Owner Developer

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    It may be a good idea for you to look to get therapy. The problem you're having is exactly what it's meant for. That is, if you're able to afford it since it can be expensive.
     
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  17. Rod337

    Rod337 Well-Known Member

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    Harvey I have no advice to offer, I've never need the advice giving type, but just know that, even if I haven't been on here in a while, I still remember you as a pretty funny, and all around cool guy.
     
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  18. Kevin

    Kevin Well-Known Member

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    Babe, I heard a calling and the super positivity fatass Kevin is here. We have had our funny and serious talks, so I know some of ur past and it isn't much of news that you wrote now but I will always come running to support you no matter what. No matter what I'm doing I will come, I will drop everything in my hands just to see you smile and carry on with ur life since having you around is worth every trouble and cent. I never had it that bad with my family, the only thing I had was an abusive father that made me scared and I went to school with bruises. It lasted some years but I finally took the matters into my own hands and I went to the cops when he went so far that I started bleeding. I know how it feels to have someone who is supposed to love you and take care of you not doing that, and youll put effort and sweat into trying to fix it but it isn't possible. You have every right to hate your mother, you have every right to shut her out, but do not give up on ur brother and sister since they have been told from the start that your father is the bad guy and that goes on you too. They do not know better as they have their own truth that's a lie to you. I want to thank you, thank you for not ending it back in 2015, thank you so much. Keep reaching for the love and support that a family can give, keep going no matter how hard your mother makes it for you.

    I believe in you.

    Sorry for the shitty English, i'm not in my best state rn. (alcohol)
     
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  19. Harvey

    Harvey Well-Known Member

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    I did actually have therapy for a year or so, but I felt it wasn’t really helping so I quit. Thanks though!
    ;-; love you roddy
    Kevin OMG I love you so much you’re honestly amazing plz never change <3 I’m glad you’re out of that situation buddy you don’t deserve that ever



    Thanks for the comments everyone. I’m feeling better now, I think I just felt very emotional last night and had to say something about it. I appreciate all of you and I think this thread can finally be locked. Love you all <3

    Edit: also baseball you’ll always be my OG tanking buddy <3
     
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  20. Masteraj12

    Masteraj12 (☞゚ヮ゚)☞Sr. Moderatorororor☜(゚ヮ゚☜) Sr. Mod

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    Locking thread as per request of the owner. Harvey, always feel welcome to ask for advice and come to us for help. We are always here to help and want to be here to help you.
     
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