I'm not trying to start this thread to gain complements of any kind. I'm not insecure, I don't hate myself in anyway at all and I know there's always room for me to improve myself. I do, however, see existence as a whole as worthless. This is just a thought that I try to avoid as much as possible. It doesn't come up as much as I probably make out to be, but no matter what, at some point I'll come back to it and I won't be able to find any reason at all to argue against it. Yet, even though I see existence as worthless, I'm not Suicidal in anyway. Maybe one of the main reasons is because if I end my Life, then I know it would hurt the people around me. Additionally, I guess I'm expecting and waiting for a reason to prove to me that Life is worth living. I'm not going to end my Life. Never. So don't worry. As to why I think existence is worthless? I guess it mainly has to do with my social life, school and my OCD. I do suffer from OCD and it's not something I openly talk about. It's not the kind of minor shit where people are all like "oh yeah lemme just arrange these pens so it doesn't trigger my OCD. No. It's actual OCD. Maybe not as severe as a lot of people have it however, as I can control it to an extent. It's just hard to live with constant compulsions such as rituals as well as intrusive thoughts. Sometimes, I just wish I didn't have it at all, however minor or major it may actually be. I just want to live life in the shoes of someone who doesn't suffer from OCD, maybe then I'd be happy. In regards to my social life, well, I have many friends and family who I value and adore so much. However, there's not a single one who I can call my 'best friend' or one I can 100% trust. There is this one girl who I see as the big sister I never had, but even then she's an online friend and I don't know how long it would be before we stop communicating altogether since she's getting older. I've never really had a proper girlfriend either and it's something that I've longed to experience. I always fuck up any chance I get because I tend to treat a lot of people around me like shit unintentionally. I never learn from my mistakes and I don't understand why. I know it contradicts what I said at the beginning about hating myself, but I guess that's one thing that I dislike about me. I never really see any improvements in my social life. I do try my best to improve, but nothing I do seems to ever work out. I know how to gain friends, but keeping them and not pissing them off is something that I have a hard time doing and I guess I feel so empty when I rarely have anyone to turn to because I have massive trust issues. I also have a Father who's in his 60s and a Mother who's in her 50s and I'm only 17. I'm terrified of how close they are to England's Life Expectancy which is 80. Finally, and probably the most important factor, is school. Right now, I fucking hate it. Don't get me wrong, I love mostly all of my teachers and I appreciate all the time and effort that they put into helping me. However, I feel like my progress and accomplishments go unrecognised. To proceed into Uni, I only need 3 A-Levels. However, my dumbass school requires you to take 4 as a 'safety net', which is unnecessary and is the only school in my city that does this. As a result of this, I don't really try in my 4th subject. Mainly because I don't care and it's just information that I don't need at all, but partly because I also don't understand it. As a result, my head of sixth form basis my success on my attitude towards the subject. He always complains that I have a poor attitude to work and that my grades are shit, which completely contradicts how I actually feel. I mean, like, I guess he's right to an extent, but that really only applies to the 4th subject. I always put the effort into my work (evident through the fact that I made revision notes way before other people made them) and, in fact, the grades in the 3 subjects that I actually care about are high. As a result of the lack of acknowledgement that I get for the other 3 subjects, my motivation to study seems to have disappeared. Whenever I do try to study, I just end up thinking "Why do I bother?". I just wish that Life could be the way that I wanted it to be. I'm sure I'd be unbelievably happy if my entire day could be filled with playing PUBG/League with my Friends, watching/reading One Piece and eating only Pizza. But no, it can't be that way. Instead, I have to go to school and earn grades that are probably going to be unrecognised anyway, only to get some job that I probably don't even want just because I need to earn some money to survive and live in a house that I don't want to live in, but I'm only living in anyway because it's such a stigma to live with your parents for such a long time. I'd rather stay with them for as long as possible if I could. I sound way too arrogant and childish (especially with the last two paragraphs) and I'm really sorry about that. I don't want any of you to think less of me, but this is genuinely how I feel. I know everyone's supposed to move on from their childhood, grow up and start realising that Life isn't always going to spoon feed you through everything, but a lot of the times I just wish it was like that. I don't see any incentive to do any school work and I know it's important for me. However, it's hard to concentrate with such a lack of motivation, as well as constant negative thoughts racing through my mind all at once. Someone please motivate me. I really need it.