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Confession/Vent

Discussion in 'Offtopic' started by ImWithSmart, Jun 28, 2018.

  1. ImWithSmart

    ImWithSmart ImWithMod Moderator

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    By the way, I meant for this post to serve a purpose for all forums members, not just me. Feel free to vent if you feel the need. Toxic/rude reactions to any vents will be deleted.


    Hey Project Mayhem. I came to terms with the fact that I need to do this at some point several months ago, but now seems like a good time that I’m away from my computer. I won’t be able to access TS for a few days, so I’m gonna let you respond how you feel is necessary, and then I’ll be able to talk to you guys again. By the way, the post after this will be a TL;DR of this, so if you wanna make it quick, I suggest you check that out by clicking here.


    I’m going to start this out by making a pretty bold statement: None of you have the slightest idea of who I am. Even those of you who think you do. Who I am, what I am like, what kind of person I am in any situation, etc. Only ewald has a bit of an idea, but not even that much. Alright, moving on.


    I have a horrible lying habit. It is so bad I might not even tell the entire truth in this post because I’m too damn scared, and weak, to do so. The strength that it takes to just post this alone is draining me so much, I can feel my arms turning to jelly.


    I’ll explain what I’ve lied about first, then I’ll get on to why they are, why I lie, and some other stuff. This is a huge venting post and hopefully a way I can get rid of the weight I’ve been carrying for a long time.


    I’m going to start with possibly the most obvious: I don’t have a 4.7 GPA. Like, not even close. No, I didn’t get those scores on the SAT. I did get that PSAT score (1420) but I’m pretty sure that’s about it. In reality, I have a 3.1 weighted. Yeah, it’s bad. My highest SAT score was 1360. My conversation for college isn’t, “Can I go to top school A or should I do top school B,” it’s, “What school will take me?”. It’s a scary notion to be honest. It’s part of but not the entire reason I’ll be going to a JC instead, and then transferring to a UC.


    I never really wanted to be a history teacher. Yes I’m a history buff, and lawyer seemed like an easy option, but I tossed that out the window a long time ago after talking with my uncle who is one. The turn off for me was the line, “Sometimes, a lot of times really, you gotta be kind of an asshole.” I can’t do that. Teacher seemed like the next coolest job for me, or at least the one I could stand the most and maybe even enjoy a little.


    I’ve always wanted to do something in gaming instead, and for the past forever years until now it’s been be a YouTuber/Twitch streamer, leaning heavily towards YouTuber. Right after writing this monstrosity, actually, I’ll be setting up my YouTube account and learning all the ins and outs of recording. I could also do game development, as coding seems pretty cool to me, and it’s still doing something in gaming. I’ve been teaching myself Java and HTML for about the past month or so using an app called SoloLearn, and so far I’ve enjoyed myself. I’ve dropped it for the past week, though, as I am on vacation with my family, but I plan on doing a bit of a restart and relearning everything I have already before continuing on.


    I don’t exactly have that many friends, as in approximately 2 (not including 5 life-longs) outside of MC. The ones I try to be friends with and are nice to me back are the ones I consider decent friends, but it’s very easy to tell when I’m talking with most of them that they consider me annoying and would much rather be not talking with me, and don’t mind ripping on me behind my back. The only 2 who are genuinely nice and enjoy my company are awesome friends, and they are the 2 I have numbered. Some of you have even met one of them, MrChrisJr, as I brought him on TS one day. It weighs on me a ton that I don’t have that many IRL friends, but I’m also happy with those that I have. I’ve had 1 girlfriend and though it started out solid, the relationship fizzled to almost nothing in about a couple weeks and ended three months after it began. I still consider her a decent friend (see above for description of “decent friend”), although she does reach out at school to talk sometimes, so she falls in the middle of genuine friend and “decent friend”.


    Speaking of relationships, SEXUALITY!! No, I’m not gay, but to be honest, I haven’t figured this one out yet. I don’t feel totally straight, but I don’t feel gay either. I like doing activities (NORMAL ACTIVITIES MIND YOU) that would stereotypically point to either party. I just haven’t figured it all out yet, but yeah, that’s that.


    Why is my life so damn messy? It’s easy to explain and will take 2 sentences *heavy sarcasm*.


    Let’s take a trip. End of the year for 5th grade. Next year, my mind says out of the blue, I’m going to not do my homework. I don’t know why, but I literally said that to myself in my mind. I have the memory flash-frozen into my mind so sharply, I could draw it out in my sleep. I was very good at keeping up with school until then, and I kept it up at the beginning of 6th grade, right up until 1-½ months into the year. I really didn’t want to do a certain math assignment, and so I didn’t. Big deal, in my mind at least. I was in a rebellious phase, I think, just like every other 12 year old out there. Unlike every other 12 year old, this did not sit well with my parents. A model student for 6 years and they flip out about 1 assignment. Fantastic.


    I continue to not do assignments of varying degree, culminating into a massive project at the end of the year in history which I just didn’t do until the last minute. I ended up with decent grades, but my parents had practically shouted me there and back. I fell into the same pattern year after year, because now this was the only way to do good in school. Forget hard work, that was back past 6th grade. It’s been going on this entire time. I think I started 6th grade with a 4.2 GPA. It sank to a 3.8 by 8th grade, before entering a state of fluctuation between 3.8 and 4.1. That was, until this year. The last quarters of each semester alone knocked down my GPA a whole .5, with the other two quarters bringing down the other .3. I’m retaking 2 classes senior year to help alleviate the damage, but it can go back to at most a 3.7, and by then it’ll be too late to apply to most colleges like UC’s, hence the decision of a JC.


    “But wait,” cry the masses, “why do you place so much self-worth on your grades?! You’re a good person and have so much more to live for!”


    If only my parents understood that. See, they place a huge amount of value on a good education, which in itself is perfectly okay. The level they take it to, though, is kinda crazy. My mother was born to an Irish Catholic family, with a Marine for a father. TL;DR for those who don’t know what I mean for the Irish Catholic: They are strict. So strict, the only group out there that makes them look tame are the stereotypical Asians. Today, they are much less so, but in the 60’s and 70’s, when my mom grew up, it was a different story. She was pushed hard to get a good education. She ended up going to college and becoming a teacher, and adopted the parenting style her’s used. Imagine a teacher that doles out punishment like McDonald’s hands out diabetes. She does it endlessly in copious quantities.


    My dad was born to a family with Pennsylvanian roots, meaning ROUND 2 OF STRICT HERITAGE! TONIGHT: THE QUAKERS! My dad’s dad had a business that he ran, and was a decent father. Until his wife died when my dad was 9. Following that, he became an abusive alcoholic who loved to use my dad as whip target practice. Meanwhile, my dad had to work his ass off raising money for the fam, because my grandfather refused to part with any 6-pack in a 10 mile radius every other day. Long story short, because of this, my dad didn’t go to college and only got his really nice job today because of a hell of a lot of luck. Because of this, he has a pretty dark outlook on my future if I don’t work my ass off in every conceivable way.


    I love both, and both love me dearly, but here’s the problem: they have absolutely no tolerance for gaming. My mother rants about how we’re slaves to technology, and my dad loves to use the word addiction. They still don’t accept gaming today, but it’s to a lesser extent.


    Imagine looking your parents in the eye as they suggest a new restriction, and they ask whether or not you’re okay with it and want it. You know that you’re going to hear a disappointed sight if you say no, so you want more than anything to say yes. So that’s exactly what you do. Deep down, though, you want nothing more than to be free to play, because this is more than your passion, it’s your dream. My dad knew that it was my passion 6 years ago when he looked me in the eye and said, “you’re not going to be a professional minecrafter”. Sure, logically it makes sense, but emotionally, that snapped my spine of all resistance to outside pressures. My dream just got obliterated in my mind because of a few words, but it took me 6 years to realize why that was so wrong, and why that was not okay.


    That, friends, is the whole purpose of this post. You see, recently, the realization of this slammed into me like a brick wall. I realized everything has been for my parents, and not for myself. I don’t mean rules and such, I mean every single thing I have ever done was because my parents suggested it. I have never done anything for myself in my entire life, and that breaks my heart. My parents were there, in the background of everything.


    Mom suggested I should join the soccer team? Well it was Mom’s idea, so yes. Dad says baseball? Why not. Hey, I’m terrified of playing literally every field position, but what the hell, why not. Imagine this on replay, every single day of your life, for every single thing, never once bringing to light one of your own free thoughts you have locked away in a deep cell, where they are lost to time.


    I’m going to be honest, I cried when I realized this. I wasn’t crying because I was sad about the fact that my parents had basically manufactured my life up until now themselves. I also wasn’t happy that I finally, after so long, had words to put to the nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I was crying over a childhood that never happened. I didn’t do anything I wanted to do as a kid. I did what my parents wanted, and that hurts like hell. Those 17 years are gone now, never to return. Now I have to go be an adult, but unlike most kids, I don’t have memories I cherish of enjoying my childhood. I remember doing the things my parents said I should do, and that’s it. Every time I pushed back, I met an unstoppable force that ripped away joy until I complied.


    This included school. When I came to my rebellious phase, it never ended because it was shut away. It just went into hibernation, and died in its sleep. I never got beyond that in growing up, I don’t think. Definitely, I always feel years behind in maturity, like the maturity I have is self taught, or fake. I snowballed and recovered in an endless cycle, always helicoptered by my parents, who made sure I didn’t fail until finally giving up on me.


    “Wait,” says you, “you still haven’t answered why you lie.” Well, truth be told, I think it’s because a small part of me is trying desperately to fill the mold my parents made for me so long ago.


    I’m not blaming my parents totally. I should have done what my sister did. She didn’t bend like I did, and now she’s incredibly hardworking and persevering, and is gonna go far in life.


    What I am saying is, I was looking for a handrail on the staircase, and I got an escalator instead. It took me where I needed to be, but I didn’t learn anything along the way, and it never gave me any options.


    The most painful thing is I can feel my true self trapped somewhere inside. It wants to bust out, but it’s stuck. Whether it will ever see the light of day, I’m not sure.


    So in summary: I have a bad transcript for November, a confused and lost path for my future, I’m antisocial and awkward, possibly not straight, and my past has influenced all of this, while my entire life has been driven by an extremely toxic relationship with my parents, and my inner self may never be truly shown to anyone, not even me. Fun stuff.


    I guess the one line I would use to describe my life is this: “I was screaming out for help, but I was never taught how to use my voice.”


    In closing, I want to thank everyone who has read the post, ya made it! It’s an extremely complicated post, and when I’m back on TS, if you need help understanding, I’m fully willing to listen to any questions.


    Please do not think any less of me.


    -IWS
     
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  2. Frogged

    Frogged Well-Known Member

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    Very proud of you making this post. This makes me remember when I made my IRL post more than 15 months ago.

    Of course no one will think any less of you. I have things I hide even still from the server because I'm scared people will make fun of me about it. If you want, I can tell you those over teamspeak to make you feel any better.

    Parents are parents. You can't do anything about that. They will yell, scream, and squander over you to protect you and make sure you get a good education, a good job, a good life. However, when you turn into an adult, things change drastically. If you don't have your life planned out already, it can be hard to stand on your own two feet. Regarding your "habit" of lying, I don't think you understand that you are not the only one who may do that. Tons of children, teens, even college students may lie to make sure people don't think any less of them, make fun of them, or whatever it may be. That's just how people are, it's a scary thought, I know.

    Nobody is perfect.

    It's 1:30 AM and I really need to sleep, but if you ever wanna talk just see me on Teamspeak or message me on these forums.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Rockin

    Rockin Well-Known Member

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    The point of living is to do what you like and do it honestly. If a good education doesn't make you who you are, then you 100% shouldn't do that (assuming that's the case). Your family situation is complicated, it seems like you have a lot weighing you down from being free. But never forget that only you can decide who you want to be. Your passions are the most important things that you see in your reality. And if you ever have kids, give them the freedom you dreamed of. You admitted to crying over your situation? This post literally brought me to tears (just a few). It breaks my heart to think any kid can't do what they want with their own lives. I really hope you decide your own path. Because, while it might be pressuring to do what others want you to to do, at the end of that road, are you satisfied with it? Best wishes <3
     
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  4. BitHyper

    BitHyper Member

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    Hey man, I also ended with a 3.1 weighted. Don't think bad about yourself. Be who you want to be! Life is not about finding yourself, its about creating yourself. Throughout high school, (I'm currently a Junior), I've been thinking about becoming a lawyer or a software developer. I keep on switching what future jobs I want to have and I cannot just find one. Then, I wanted to get into YouTube. I am recording a video later today, and I do vlogs, food reviews, and gaming. It's going to be my first ever video but I want to do YouTube and I think it's a really good passion to have. I used to work at a golf club, but after that, I started to not show up as often. I wanted to work somewhere I have a friendly environment and making good money. The golfers were rude, my boss was rude, so I left. And thats when I decided to pursue YouTube. So, life is too short to think about the negatives in life. Be creative! Become an entrepreneur. Start a business. Try new things! And see where things take you, until you decide to stay with one. I wish the best to you, even though I have never talked to you before, I feel what you're going through. Trust me. <3

    Kind regards- BitHyper, AKA Johnny.
     
  5. Wombo

    Wombo Well-Known Member Builder

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    I know how hard it is to face your 'inner demons', as I have done it myself. The next step is to replace the bad habits with good ones. Start with intentionally telling the truth at occasions that aren't important, like when someone asks how you are doing (people might expect you to say 'Good! You?', but if you aren't doing 'good', say it to them. Of course, you shouldn't tell your life story to a cassiere). If you do this more, you'll find yourself lying less and telling the truth more.
    The same applies to being socially awkward. If you talk to people more, it'll be easier to strike up a conversation and keep it interesting.

    I wish you the best of luck on your personal journey :)
     
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  6. lordslaughter20

    lordslaughter20 Well-Known Member

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    I know you say that you don't blame your parents but from in my opinion I see this as mostly their fault because throughout my years at secondary school in my country I have seen kids with parents as strict and even stricter than yours (Not even kidding I know a girl whose mom controlled her so much that she never let her have sweets and now she doesn't like sweet stuff, I remember hanging out with her during our last years at school and I bought her a doughnut because she said that she never had one before because her mom never let her had one before and she disliked it and now she hates doughnuts). The parents at that school had the parenting method like yours which could either break the kid or they can benefit from it and about 79% of the kids would be shattered by this parenting style and become toxic, bitter people that grow up and have a higher chance of becoming the same type of parents they had. I keep telling my friends that parents use this unconventional method because they that if it worked for them or someone they know that it'll work for their child in hopes that the child achieves some dream that the parents hoped to have achieve but didn't. This may have worked with the old generation but it's not very effective nowadays, heck my girlfriend has parents like this and they've pushed past the point of living and if I wasn't there years ago and till now with my not professional therapy she wouldn't be here now.

    Basically tl:dr if you got strict parents like smart's try your best to not let them get to you mentally and it's not an easy path to go alone so try to find someone that'll help you through it and stay by you so you don't wind up like your parents because your kids will most likely resent you. Also not telling you to blame or hate your parents smart, do what makes you happy since it's your life not their's. I'll cheer you on from Barbados and when you start up your youtube channel lemme know.
     
  7. Masteraj12

    Masteraj12 (☞゚ヮ゚)☞Sr. Moderatoror☜(゚ヮ゚☜) Sr. Mod

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    Smart, I am going to say three honest things because I still consider you a friend regardless;

    1) I am disgusted you lied for this long. I'm going to be honest with you and say I am pretty damn mad at you for lying to me even though I considered you a close friend. I was always open to talk and you never told me the truth.

    2) Thank you for coming clean now. If it wasn't back then, I'm glad you're doing it now instead of continuing to lie. Thank you for it, it feels good to know you are being honest with us.

    3) Me and others being open to you to talk to is not going to change unless they are really hurt by this. I understand why you lied, I actually did the same thing for years on years a while back because I wanted to appear mature to others. At this point in my life, I understand that its meaningless for me to put up a facade and lie about things because it just becomes taxing with little benefits. So I can sympathize with what you did, not for the same reason per say, but for similar actions (Hell I even said I was 18 when I was only 12 and I was heading to Yale, and that lasted for months). So please, reach out and talk to others if you need. Stuff happens in friendship that someone can chose to either break it or try and get past it. Help prove me right that keeping our friendship is going to be a good thing, because I couldn't ask for more.
     
  8. TeamPurple

    TeamPurple The Purpatraitor (Mod)

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    Now I see why it’s imwithsmart dab.

    Also grades mean shit all rn I could get all Bs low bs as that get into a shitty uni and transfer to a good one after a semester if you haven’t looked into those options U probably should
     
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  9. CREEPER__1

    CREEPER__1 Well-Known Member

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    Smart, I don't blame you for lying as you did or trying to put up a false persona online. I don't think anyone really wants to show their true emotions/personality online, especially if it's something they are not proud of/are uncomfortable with sharing. Everyone wants to set a perfect example of themselves online, a great example of this is social media. Instagram profiles are designed to be filled with the best pictures of someone's lifestyle leaving out all the negative things that go on in their life. However, nobody is perfect. Every single person who is a part of this community has their own faults and those faults may be another person's strengths. Everyone who is a part of this community is unique in their own fashion. These differences consist of both good and bad. We all struggle with different problems in the real world (some more difficult than others), but one thing I have learned through personal experience is that solving those struggles never comes through lying. It's nothing to be ashamed of wanting to present yourself as something exceptional to stand out among the crowd, but in the end lying leads to nothing but a road of hurt and distrust. I don't view you any different than before, I think this is just a part of learning from your mistakes and making up for them. The fact that you made this thread shows that. I know you are a smart kid, and from what it sounds like your parents are just another obstacle in your life by putting such a burden on how you perform in school (mind which is still important) and choosing what activities you participated in as a kid. However, deep down inside I think all they want is the best for you. I know it sounds super cliche, but really I think they are doing all of these things in hopes that it creates a brighter future for you. Every persons parents/guardians have the greatest impact on them while growing up (whether it be a bad or good influence). I know you have probably tried this multiple times already, but if possible you need to get both of your parents and have a serious talk about who YOU want to be in life, not what they want you to be. If you can't convince them try to reach out to other family members to persuade them, I'm sure they will eventually come to understand. Now I don't think you can put all the blame on your parents, I understand they had a massive influence on who you are and went overboard with trying to keep you in check, but in the end of all this you control your own life. You need to choose a path and stick with it. Do your parents want to block that path? Then you need to find a way to overcome that obstacle, it is possible you just need to look find ways around it (they are out there I assure you).

    I may not share the same struggles with everyone who is a part of this community, but I can definitely understand the kind of things they must be going through and try to help them out. Don't feel the need to lie about something you are ashamed of, instead you can talk about it with someone you trust or keep it to yourself if you don't like sharing it. If you are comfortable with sharing something you are troubled with there are always people there to help you through it. Another thing I wanted to mention is how we all treat each other sometimes. I know we all get along and are friends and like to joke about each other, but sometimes fights start just because we begin to dehumanize each other. Sometimes we forget the person we are talking to or about is a human on the other side of the screen. This is why I enjoyed going to minecon so much, we all got to meet each other in person and actually interact with one another face to face. I wish that could be a reality with everyone in this community so we could all get to know each other just a little bit more, but sadly it can't. If I ever say anything rude in ts I'm usually just joking, but sometimes when I hop offline I wish I could take back some things I said because I don't know how someone else could have taken it. I think the reason I'm prone to saying such bad stuff is because whenever someone says stuff to me I just take it as a joke, or I know the person wouldn't say that to me face to face in real life. Ever since I joined this community it had started to become a crucial asset of my life. I began to become better friends with people online than in real life, and that partially holds true till today. I know I may sound like a complete brain dead retard on teamspeak who only talks about is stupid shit and screeches a bunch, but in real life when I'm not around friends or family I'm pretty reserved/shy. I usually don't know how to spark conversations with anyone I don't know (even some people I'm good friends with), and I sit there till someone decides to talk to me. The thing is I don't consider myself an introvert. I enjoy talking to others and meeting new people. I like hanging out with friends for hours upon end. I love engaging in conversations on almost any topic. I just can never urge myself to speak up/meet new people because I'm afraid of sounding like a dumbass, or saying some stupid shit that makes me seem weird. I think a part of my social anxiety has come from secluding myself to only talking to others while playing video games, and I'm taking steps to fix that problem. It's not the most serious problem though, I still have lots of friends and hang out with them often. I wouldn't worry to much about getting a girlfriend too soon.

    To be fair Smart, I haven't tried to get a girlfriend yet because I want to meet someone that I can actually have a long lasting relationship with, unlike other people who just want to get a girlfriend to say "I have a girlfriend" and then end up breaking up a month later. Also I haven't really had the time to be in a relationship with all the school work I've been doing this past year, I feel like I wouldn't be able to hold up my end of the relationship because I wouldn't have much time. Hopefully that all changes next year though, and Smart just keep looking eventually you'll find the one. Trust me. Also don't worry about attending a Junior College then switching to a University, in fact it might actually be a smarter move. It saves you some money in the end, and you can then get into really good colleges. Don't worry about trying to show off, everyone here is friendly they will be accepting no matter what situation you are in. If you feel like you need to talk about something everyone here is really supportive deep down inside. The only thing that will drive people away from you is through multiple instances of lying.

    Sorry if it's a bit of a jumbled mess. I was going to write a bit more stuff and organize it better, but I went brain dead halfway through writing it and forgot what I was going to put down.
     
  10. Hoozier

    Hoozier Well-Known Member

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    We have never talked so of course there is no animosity or anything of the sort but I do believe you need to talk to someone. Whether that be to yourself, your parents, or maybe even a therapist. I have worked my ass off the past 6 years in both education and in work, and I still am to this day. Through persistence and (as Deadpool would say) maximum effort I have achieved a lot. Making your achievements greater than what they really are, ultimately diminishes others excellence.

    Nonetheless, I forgive you. Thanks for the honesty
     
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  11. Skyzip

    Skyzip Well-Known Member

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    A few days ago, I told one of my friends that I was feeling guilty about what I did to a certain person. I told him that I apologised to that person because of how guilty I was. His response was "Why did you apologise?". I told him that it was because I was an asshole and that they deserved an apology. He responded by saying that I wasn't an asshole until I admitted it. We had an entire argument over whether admitting to something bad makes you an asshole or whether the act itself makes you an asshole.

    I forgot the entire conversation, but it ended with him saying "You see, it's because you're not perfect like me. You're not truly perfect unless you stop giving a fuck about what people think about you.

    I wouldn't call it bullying, but for a lot of my life I've had to suffer through some annoying shit from people. I know a lot of them are "joking" whenever they say horrible shit, but it really hurts to hear some of the things they say. In fact, it's the reason I have a stutter. I can never stand up for myself because whenever I try to defend myself, I just can't.


    Honestly, in my eyes, what my friend said is true. I don't believe you can improve as a person unless you stop giving a fuck about what others think about you. That's just my opinion and I know that others would disagree. With other people comes limits. There's always something that you want to do, but other people would disagree with,
    Yes, in all honesty, norms and values are decided by society. I believe they're put in for a good reason and I'd think anyone would be abnormal not to follow them. What I do disagree with, however, are the opinions of others, especially when they influence a person's life. Fashion choice? So what, clothes are clothes, they all have the same function regardless. Status? Everyone is the same whether they're well known or not. Wealth? Let's not even go there. Money doesn't make you happy anyway. I hate how people's opinions and expectations can so easily influence a person. My entire life I've been living to impress people and to "fit in". It's alright to have an opinion of someone, but when you openly express it (especially if it's negative), holy crap does it piss me off. Regardless, we all do this. I'm a hypocrite for saying all of this, because I'd be lying if I said I didn't judge people openly.


    I don't know how this applies to you, however. I feel bad for you, but I doubt I could do anything to help. Hopefully a little bit of venting from a person about their issues will make you feel as if you're not the only one going through things.
     
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  12. maxben34

    maxben34 Owner Owner Developer

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    Identity is something that is incredibly hard for most people. Understanding what defines you as a person isn't easy. It's so much easier to just be what people want you to be, instead of being what you want yourself to be. It's clear that you've wanted yourself to be something else all of this time, but you just didn't know what actions to take to make it so.

    Now that you've realized this, you can determine what actions to take and begin to find yourself. It isn't an easy process, but try to just figure it out and determine, at your core, what makes you, you. What are your strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, passions, and values? Understanding this can help you figure out who you are and what that means for you. From there, you can trust that whatever decisions you make regarding your life are truly yours.

    Let's talk about this soon.
     
  13. ImWithSmart

    ImWithSmart ImWithMod Moderator

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    Thank you. I actually thought of your post even before I thought of making this one. I really needed an avenue for venting what I felt, as I said in the post, but I didn’t know what that would be until I thought of yours. If there’s anyone I can credit with helping me with this, it’s you. Thanks for helping me to start this process :).

    Thank you for this. To be honest, I don’t know when or how I’ll tackle this with my family. Every time I try to bring something up, they kinda dismiss it as a phase or something or other. I will bear what you’ve said in mind, though, especially when moving forward with my life.

    I’ve never met you before, but wow do we have a lot in common. I’d love to talk if you have the time. It’s nice to know someone else knows what this is like.

    My habit is pretty bad, tbh. It’s come to the point where sometimes I can’t even recognize what’s real and what’s fake. I will take the steps you’ve suggested though, and use that to build my own system to try and break out of what is a very unhealthy problem. Thank you for the support, the fact alone you took the time out of your day to write that is fantastic to me.

    Thanks, I will let you know when I start it up :). It sucks to hear that people still use this tactic that widely in any area of the world, it’s an awful experience.

    Believe me, I know what you’re talking about with the whole Yale thing. There was a period before PM when all I played was Mineplex. I used to go on there and pretend I was opening my letter from Harvard, and I was posting the results in chat, thinking I was so damn clever. Of course, my “cleverness” got picked apart in about 5 seconds by an actually clever person in chat. To this day, I look back on that and laugh.

    I wholly understand why you’re mad, I wouldn’t expect anything less to be honest. I knew that out of everybody on PM, you were one of the most likely to respond to this. There are a scarce few friendships I value higher than ours, and I would love to see it become stronger out of this instead of weaker.

    Quality Turple post XD. Seriously though, I started crying with laughter after I read that first sentence. Thanks for giving me that laugh, it was one that I needed badly at this time.

    It’s ok, I get the gist :p. I wouldn’t have asked for anything else. The fact alone that you forgot what you meant to write and wrote this instead tells me this is a raw version of what you mean and feel, instead of something that’s being cut up and put back together by fancy jargon.

    Yeah, I definitely need to talk to my family about this at some point. I’ve showed my close friends this post, and the response was very positive. However, I don’t know how my family is going to react.

    Thank you for the simple forgiveness. Just seeing those four words sums up what I could have hoped for from this community.
     
  14. ImWithSmart

    ImWithSmart ImWithMod Moderator

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    I’ve been trying out not caring what anyone else has thought about me for the past week, and it’s been fantastic. It’s felt like a huge weight has slipped off my shoulders. I’m in the same boat, I do judge others, but I try to catch myself on it, although I’m pretty bad at catching myself, or even worse, sometimes I ignore it because I hope it makes me a better person if I do. It’s nice to have someone else to relate to, especially someone I’ve never talked to before. Thanks for the words of support :).

    My identity is something that comes from knowing who I am. After 17 years of not being able to say that, building my real identity will be hard, and I’m just starting, but I know PM will be a big part of it, at least for now. I’m extremely grateful you took the time out of your day to write this, especially as I know you’re busy with college and whatnot. I would love to talk about this when I get back from Orlando :).

    Well, Project Mayhem, if you need undeniable proof that the sum is truly greater than it’s parts, look no further than what you see now. Each person who has posted on this thread so far has added something no one else could, and in doing so has provided me the support I need at this chapter of my life. I am so, so happy to be able to look at this thread and see exactly what I was hoping for and more. I have done my best to respond to each and every one of you in a tidy but meaningful matter. Hopefully, you have all taken a lesson away from this thread. I wish, as stated before, for this to be not just about me, but you as well. I want this to become a safe space where anyone can say anything they feel they need to say to the community :). Thank you again, it’s been a pleasure so far reading this, and I hope it continues.

    “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much” -Helen Keller

    -IWS

    P.S. Had to make two posts bc character limitations :/
     
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2018
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